It’s been a bit of a rough year for me. Don’t get me wrong, I was and am fortunate in many ways and I never forget it, but I’ve been hit with some bad luck work-wise and entered a sort of delayed quarter-life crisis. I’ve always felt there was some sort of objective truth to life, that there is no one path we all should take, no one setting that is right for everyone. I, for instance, think I’m one of those people who doesn’t really have a calling in life. I have many interests and passions. I am a jack of all trades, but a master in none.
Being so unfocused introduces a weird problem of too much choice in my life. It’s made all the worse because I don’t really believe in fate or a higher power. I think life would be so much simpler if I did. I could be somewhat absolved of responsibility for my own life and just trust that things work out “as they should.” Signs would be everywhere. Someone could help me decide. But instead, I feel 100% in charge of my own destiny and my life is just a series of decisions I should be making towards a greater goal. Which is really a huge burden when you’re crippled with self-doubt and fear.
I used to be content with just being content. My only goal in life was to live happily, for as many days as I could. But am I wasting time, wasting my life just staring at butterflies or watching clouds float by? Lately I’ve been feeling like I should be doing more, helping more, mattering more.
Truth is, I think very few of us ever really achieve true greatness. I guess the definition of greatness is up to the individual, but for me, this is just the truth. So why should I feel bad if I never belong to that exclusive club? Maybe I’m too competitive. No good can come of comparing yourself to others. Self-actualization can only come from within. I just have to keep reminding myself of all the little things to be proud and happy about. And continue trying to live well.
So I’m giving thanks for my cozy house, my lovely husband, the fact that I can waste time watching butterflies, that it’s quiet at night, that I can feel safe and eat well. That I have this blog which has really become a journal for me. That you have read up to here and that maybe I’ve made a connection in some small way. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving.